


You Bury Me

by AttackoftheDarkCurses



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Padme is an amazing grandma, Padmé ships it, Reylo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-06 04:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16381250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AttackoftheDarkCurses/pseuds/AttackoftheDarkCurses
Summary: Rey visits her grandfather, who resides in the bed next to Padme Amidala, at the nursing home daily. Padme has the month of October left to live. What happens when Ben, who hasn’t talked to his grandmother in decades, decides to start visiting the nursing home every day?





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

  * For [reylocalligraphy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylocalligraphy/gifts).



> A note to the wonderful, ridiculously kind, and talented Reylocalligraphy,
> 
> I was thrilled to get your prompts, and I've spent almost every day of October trying to figure out how to do your _other_ prompt justice, because I shied away from the possible angst in this one. But you know, you're this bright ray of joy in this fandom, and I thought maybe, _just maybe_ I could step outside of my comfort zone and try to figure out how to make even the saddest story have a little bit of joy.
> 
> I hope this came out okay. <3

Ya’aburnee: An Arabic term meaning “You bury me,” a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

* * *

 

 

It was a perfect Fall day when Ben Solo finally pushed aside the leftover resentment for his family that he'd let fester in the depths of his mind and soul for well over a decade.

Leaves had just barely started to fall, still in an array of colors that probably  _should_  have brightened his day the way they normally would each year. Fall was the perfect season. Specifically, October was the perfect month. Cold enough for sweaters, warm enough to almost guarantee a lack of snow, and the entire season was an excuse to settle onto a bench-swing on his back porch with a mug of coffee, a blanket, and a book.

As Ben walked into Naboo's nicest nursing home, he was struck with the fact that October might not be his favorite time of the year for much longer.

His grandmother - possibly the one person in his family who'd ever understood him, other than his long-passed grandfather - supposedly had only about a month to live, and his own stupid,  _foolish_  pride and insistence on avoiding the family had cost him over a decade with her.

Ben swallowed uncomfortably as he looked around the small lobby, both nervous he'd run into certain family members he'd prefer not to see, and feeling hopelessly out of place. Naboo hadn't been home in a very long time, but thanks to his grandparents and the house he'd inherited from them, it was, once again.

He'd known she was sick for a while, but he hadn't known exactly how dire the illness was. Leia had written him, clearly sugar-coating the reality, and it had taken a call from Han - a call Ben hadn't even planned on answering - for him to realize just how little time the woman had left. The fact that his grandmother had gifted him her house was the final straw on the back of  _it's time to go home_.

Not home to Chandrila, of course. That may have been where his legal address had been for eighteen years, but it had  _never_  been home. Leia and Han had been all too good at making that house feel cold, empty, and lonely.  _Home_  had been a place he only visited every summer, an escape from the world found only in the quiet lake country of Naboo, where his grandparents and their friends let him explore as he pleased, followed by a little shadow of a girl who was exceptional at making sure he spent each warm quarter of a year feeling anything but alone.

Never in Ben's thirty-one years had be been alone while he was in Naboo, but in thirty-one days, he would be. At least, that's what the doctor had said. Ben was determined to argue that fact, because Padme Amidala was nothing if not a strong, stubborn woman, cancer be damned.

It took him a few minutes to finally decide to walk over to the pale blonde woman behind the counter and ask for directions to the room he was reluctant to enter. She ( _Kaydel_ , according to her name-tag) gave him a room number and pointed him down a hall to his right...the  _Naberrie Wing_.

He probably should have guessed.

Ben nodded to her, struggling to push his lips into one of those smiles people gave out of sheer forced politeness, then decided it wasn't worth the effort and turned, walking in the direction of room 140.

The hall seemed to triple in length with each step he took, light blue ( _calming_  blue, his mind qualified) tile stretching on infinitely as time slowed, delaying his arrival to the room he didn't want to enter.

Maybe his parents had just been trying to get him to come closer to home. It  _had_  worked, so maybe that's all this was?

Maybe the doctors had been wrong. Doctors were wrong all the time, weren't they?

Maybe she'd only gifted him the house because the upkeep was too much and she was looking for something smaller. People did that all the time as they got older, right?

Maybe.

Maybe maybe maybe.

 _Maybe_  didn't stop him from arriving in front of room 140, and he sighed, looking in the open door.

Padme Amidala had never been frail, not a day in her life, and she wasn't now, either. Older, sure. New wrinkles and creases that hadn't shown on her face a decade or so earlier were visible, and at some point her hair had gone full-white, but the wisdom in her eyes and the fierce stubbornness in her smile had only intensified.

"Is that my grandson?" she asked cheekily, then waved her hand dismissively, "No, couldn't possibly be. My grandson had much bigger ears, and he would have been smart enough to bring me flowers."

Ben couldn't help but snort, showing her the bouquet of orange lilies he'd had behind his back. When she grinned, he walked over to her bed, placing the flowers on the stand next to her, and said, "Never really grew into my ears." He leaned over, whispering conspiratorially, "That's why I grew out my hair."

She laughed, the sound still light and musical, and Ben noticed she seemed...fine. Short of the hospital bed and some sort of IV set-up, she seemed just as he remembered her, albeit a bit older, and hope surged in his chest.

Her hand gripped his, and she gestured for him to sit on the bed next to her as she considered him carefully. "It's nice to have you back," she said softly, "You've been missed."

"I needed the distance," he admitted, then paused and said quietly, "I'm back here to see you, not them."

She nodded knowingly, "I know, but-"

"Please don't ask it of me," he whispered, meeting the same brown eyes he saw every time he looked in the mirror. "I'm just not ready."

Her smile was fond as she reached up to cup his cheek, every bit the grandma he remembered, scolding the stubborn part of him he'd probably inherited from her. "I was only going to say that I hope you find your home. I wish that could be with my children, but it isn't my decision. I only want you happy."

Ben sighed, reminded of what a kind, understanding woman he was lucky enough to be related to. Maybe life would have been a little easier if he'd inherited more of that and less of the stubbornness. He let her pull him down to press their foreheads together, and smiled as she said, "I want to see you happy before I go."

At the last few words, he pulled away, staring down at her as an unfamiliar feeling bubbled in his chest.

"Don't talk like that," he said, or maybe begged, quietly. "You seem fine, and-"

She hushed him with a single gesture, and sighed through a slight smile. "Don't fool yourself, Ben. I sleep most of the time and I never have an appetite. Thankfully, many of my symptoms are hidden with this-" she looked over to the IV, and he realized with a twinge that she was probably receiving medication for pain, "-and I might  _seem_  fine."

Her smile grew a bit sad as his face slowly fell, and she said firmly, but kindly, "I'm not, though." She gripped his hand weakly, and said, "It's okay, Ben. If anything, it's a relief."

"How could it be a relief?" he choked, trying and failing to contain himself.

His grandmother looked down, and then glanced at a photo he hadn't noticed, propped up on a small stand on the other side of her bed. It was one he'd seen dozens of times, often just with a side-glance as he was being dragged by the hand at sprint-pace down the house's main hall, toward the door that opened to overlook the lake, hearing gleeful shouts of  _c'mon Ben, come swimming with me! Grandpa says I can't swim alone!_

His grandparents had chosen to have a private wedding, on the balcony that overlooked that very lake behind the house that was now his. Just two witnesses and the person who married them, and that was probably the only photo of the event.

"I've missed him for so long," she admitted, voice thick with emotion. She looked back to Ben and manage to curl her lips into a smile, "I don't want to miss him anymore." She coughed and glanced at him tiredly. "I don't know what's after this, Ben, but if it means I might see him again, I'd like to find out."

Something caught in his throat, and Ben could only manage a nod before a new voice with a lilted, foreign accent sounded from the door.

"-Grandpa, you old  _scoundrel_ , stealing extra Jello again?" the woman scolded, though it was obvious from her voice she was struggling not to laugh. "You're going to get in trouble with the nurses if you keep up your life of crime."

Ben, more than a little thankful for the reprieve from what had become a horribly serious conversation, looked back at the entry and saw a young woman in an old burgundy college sweater and jeans, her hair in three-

No  _way._

"Rey?" he asked, almost not daring to. After all, he hadn't seen her since he was fifteen and she was fourteen and-

Her head jerked up, familiar hazel eyes he'd seen every summer of his childhood staring at him. It was her, no doubt about it.

She blinked, and continued to stare until the man she'd been wheeling into the room in a wheelchair cleared his throat. "Dear, I'm sure you remember Padme's grandson." The man Ben now recognized as the one he'd been named after nodded to him and said, "Been quite some time, hasn't it?"

"Yeah," he breathed, still considerably surprised by the turn of events. When he'd been nervous about running into family members, he hadn't stopped to consider who  _else_  he could run into. "Yeah, at least a decade."

A soft voice spoke up from the doorway, and Ben's eyes locked back on hers. "Sixteen years, I think."

Rey had grown up. Though, he probably should have expected that. She'd gained maybe a couple inches of height, but he'd started towering over her by the time he hit thirteen or fourteen. She was thin, but she still seemed possessed with the sort of strength that could knock him on his ass (she'd actually done that, once when they were teenagers, and he'd learned immediately to never  _ever_ pick her up and toss her in the lake again).

Her freckles hadn't changed, though. Neither had her eyes.

Another throat cleared and Ben jerked out of his memories of days long past, looking back at his grandmother, who snorted and said, "Anyway, did I hear something about Jello?" She smiled, a little mischievously if he wasn't mistaken, and said, "Ben, would you mind? I like cherry. They'll have some in the cafeteria." She paused, and glanced past him, in Rey's direction, "Would you be a dear and show him where it is? You know him, he'd probably get lost halfway and we'd never see him again if he went by himself."

Rey took a moment before nodding blankly, then wheeled her grandfather over to the bed Ben hadn't even noticed sitting on the other side of the room, and she guided him while he climbed carefully back into it.

Then she hesitated, and walked back over to him, offering the hand he'd taken so many times, every day of every summer when she'd whisk him off for a new adventure.

"C'mon," she said quietly, "it's not far."

Ben stared down at her open hand for a moment before he was overwhelmed with the feeling that she was asking him to join her for some sort of journey - one that had little to do with nursing home cafeterias.

He took a deep breath, and he took her hand.


	2. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay - hopefully future chapters won't take me this long.

Ben stared out at the lake, a thick dark blue flannel chamois shirt keeping him warm as wind whipped through the trees that surrounded the house.  _His_  house, now. Somehow, that was the oddest part of all of this. The house - the  _home_  - had always felt safe, and a large part of that was due to the people who'd owned it, but now...now it was his, and for some reason it still felt safe. That was odd, but he was thankful for it.

Maybe it was because old memories popped into his head with every step. Every room he entered, every walk he took - each one echoed some old adventure he'd taken, and each one felt familiar.

Now, as he stood on the porch, his back to the door that would lead back inside as he gazed out at the light reds and oranges of the late-evening sky reflecting on still waters, the only movement being soft ripples spreading out from places fish moved near the surface, a whole new memory came to mind.

_She'd always been his shadow. The little girl he'd been annoyed by at first, but grown close to within a matter of weeks during his first summer there, either because they truly got along, or because it was simply impossible not to befriend the human personification of a bright and bubbly sunbeam._

_She stood in front of him on the porch at dusk, and they'd just gotten back from a swim and...light from the sunset reflected in eyes that couldn't have been more beautiful anyway, and at fifteen he'd never kissed a girl, but suddenly he desperately wanted to._

_At some point, Rey had gone from a silly little kid who was constantly wide-eyed and a mess from exploring the grounds, to a brilliant and very, very pretty girl._

_One he wanted to kiss._

_But before he worked up the nerve, she'd gotten impatient and taken matters into her own hands, grabbing his face to bring him in for a kiss...one that was soft, and tentative, and-_

The screen door behind him swung open, creaking, and snapped him out of a memory - the memory of his first, and arguably most memorable kiss. Ben turned to the door and his cheeks burned a little when he saw the girl he'd been thinking of.

Well,  _woman,_  now.

"Hey," Rey smiled softly, "Uhm, sorry, it's just - where did you want all your books? You have an  _awful_  lot of them, you know."

He blinked, taking in a slow breath as he convinced himself to look somewhere other than at her lips. "Yeah, sorry," he finally said, shaking his head. "I read a lot. Kind of comes with the territory of being a writer. But don't worry about helping unpack. I've got a lot of time to unpack. I probably won't get back to work until after-"

Ben paused, biting his lips together before he could admit the words.

The doctor had been polite and sympathetic, but also adamant. His grandmother would likely not see November, and Ben could barely stomach the idea. Once he'd gotten back from the meeting with the poor man he'd likely scared half-to-death, he'd put his fist through a couple walls.

Of course, that had been followed up with muttered apologies to his grandparents, neither of whom were there to see or hear him, and he'd already patched the holes. It was, after all, his house now, and he'd be responsible for it. Thankfully it was in good shape...as long as he didn't keep punching walls.

"Right," Rey said softly, nodding. She stepped further out onto the porch, letting the screen door swing closed behind her as she got closer and wrapped him in a much-needed hug. "I hope this is okay," she whispered, lifting up on her toes to rest her chin on his shoulder, "I'm not really sure how else I can help."

Ben tightened his arms around her, burying his face in the sweet-smelling spot where her neck met her shoulders. Maybe it should have seemed a little too intimate for two people who'd been childhood friends (and eventually, a bit more - at least for a little while), and hadn't seen each other in over a decade, but it felt easy, and natural.

"It's exactly what I needed," he sighed. "Can I just-" he tugged her a bit tighter, "Can we just stay like this for a little while?"

He felt Rey nod against him and breathe, "Of course we can."

She felt so natural in his arms. So warm, despite the cold, and so  _right_ despite the wrongness of the entire situation that had brought him to where he currently stood.

But he didn't know how to say any of that to her, so he settled for, "Thanks for helping me move in."

Rey chuckled softly, "No need to thank me. It'll be nice to have you around, especially since-"

She went silent, but she didn't need to finish the sentence for him to know what she'd been about to say. Ben's grandmother wasn't the only one who was ill. Old Ben likely had quite a bit longer, but he'd probably never live at home again, and since he'd been the one to raise her, Rey would be alone once he passed.

No. Not alone. Rey would never be alone - he'd never let her feel that way.

Ben pulled away slightly at that thought and stared down at her, reaching up an arm to tuck a bit of hair back behind her ear. "Hey, I picked up some groceries. Stick around for a bit. I'll make dinner."

"I can't remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal," she admitted. "I've been so focused on spending as much time with Grandpa as possible, and between that and work I just-"

He tightened his arms again, hugging her closely, because he didn't know how else to respond. "Well," he said finally, "you'll have one tonight."

"Thanks Ben," she whispered.

"I just wish I'd known. Or- maybe I just wish I'd come sooner. I didn't know you'd been dealing with this alone."

Rey pulled out of the hug, but caught one of his hands in one of hers, and wiped at her eyes with the other as she cleared her throat. "Well, I'm sorry you have to go through this, too, but...I  _am_  relieved I'm not dealing with it by myself anymore."

"No, Rey." He squeezed her hand, "No, you aren't."

* * *

A wry smile grew on his grandmother's face as he reiterated his evening. Thankfully, Rey was out on a walk with her grandfather, but Padme had noticed they'd arrived together, and she'd made a point to steer the conversation in that direction as soon as Rey and Old Ben had left the room.

"You made her dinner?" she grinned. "Smart man. I thought I'd have to hit you over the head with something to get you to do that."

" _Grandma_ ," he half-scolded, half-blushed, "It's not like that. We're just dealing with similar things, and we were catching up. It's been a long time since we've seen each other."

The woman nodded knowingly. "Oh, of course. Of course. I'm  _sure_  it was nothing more." He was relieved for approximately ten seconds, but then she snorted and added, "Just like I'm sure I never caught you two kissing on my porch."

"Grandma!"

"Oh, calm down," she chided. Ben shook his head, rolling his eyes playfully, but then his expression fell a bit when he saw the wistful look in her soft brown eyes.

"You know what your grandfather said to me the first time I met him?" she asked, smiling lightly. "He asked me if I was an angel. Of course, we were just children then, but I was  _so_  taken with him. And then he moved away we didn't see each other again for a near decade, and when we finally saw each other again it was like love at first sight, if there is such a thing."

"I never knew that."

"We were friends, as children," she nodded. "Nothing more. Never any sort of history, except maybe some feelings we never admitted to until we were older." A subtle grin played at the corner of her lips as she asked, amused, "Sound familiar?"

He wasn't really sure if he could blush more than he already was. "It's really not like that," Ben said, barely believing his own words.

Of course it was like that. With Rey, it always would be.

The truth was, he and Rey had been going to the nursing home together every day since the first day he'd walked in a week earlier. Today was just the first day his grandmother had noticed them show up together. Slipping back into a close friendship with her had been like going home. A voice in his mind whispered that maybe he hadn't come home to Naboo.

Maybe, just  _maybe_ , he'd come home to  _her._

Padme snorted at him, muttering, " _Not like that._  Sure it isn't." She laughed, but the laugh turned into a bit of a cough, and after she sipped at water she grinned again and squeezed his hand lightly. "Promise me something," she said, "Promise me you'll cook that girl dinner again. A few times a week. That poor girl is always in here and I think she gets thinner each time I see her."

"Grandma," he sighed, "I  _know_  what you're trying to-"

"Just humor an old lady," she interrupted, smiling as she patted his hand. "Please? I'll feel better if I know someone's keeping an eye on her."

Ben highly doubted she had no ulterior motive, but...it also wasn't a bad idea. Rey  _had_  mentioned not remembering the last time she'd had a home-cooked meal, and she'd probably spent quite a bit of time checking in on his grandmother before he'd gotten there. Plus, she'd helped him move in, and-

...and his dark, gloomy world got a bit of its color back when Rey was around.

"Okay," he agreed, leaning over to press a soft kiss to his grandmother's hair. "Okay, I'll see if she'll mind."

"Thank you," she whispered, tightening her hand on his again, and he noticed, not for the first time that her grip was very weak.

Ben hesitated, but asked a question he was nervous to ask, "How have you been feeling, grandma?"

"Oh, I'm fine," she smiled, but he knew instinctively she was just putting on a brave face. "The food's better than I would have expected a nursing home to have, and," she gestured over to Old Ben's bed, which was still empty, "The company's a grumpy old man, but I'm used to him."

"Have you been eating?" he asked softly. She seemed intent on brushing him off, but he added, "Grandma, I'll just ask a nurse anyway, but I'd rather hear it from you."

Padme paused, but eventually sighed, likely when she realized he didn't plan to give up. "I'm not usually hungry anymore," she admitted. "My stomach can't handle much."

That was normal, he'd read. Normal for advanced stages of cancer.  _End of life_.

The hand that rested on his knee gripped to the point where it was painful. He wasn't  _angry_  per say. It was mostly frustration. Frustration at feeling like he was useless - no amount of money or talent or hard work could fix this problem, and all he could do was sit and watch it consume one of his favorite people.

Ben chewed the inside of his cheek. "Is there anything I could bring you?"

After a moment, she sighed, and answered, "You can bring me two things. Shuura - we still have a few producing trees in the yard. I'm sure by now the nurses won't care, and I haven't had it in months."

Her favorite fruit. Ben could have kicked himself for not thinking of that, but rather than show his annoyance with himself, he just nodded. "Okay. What else?"

"Happy stories," she smiled. "Have dinner with that girl, and come back here, and tell me how it went."

Ben huffed softly. It was impossible to say  _no_  to Padme Amidala.

"Okay, grandma. I'll see if she's free tonight."

The woman grinned broadly, and if she wasn't in a hospital bed, Ben might have mistaken her for a perfectly healthy person.

"Good," she nodded. "You won't regret it."

Ben was already daydreaming of hazel eyes and a soft laugh as he sighed, and admitted, "I'm sure I won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Attack's Tumblr](https://attackofthedarkcurses.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ Attack's Twitter](https://twitter.com/AttackotDC)


	3. Bargaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance if this fic ends up getting super sad, but I can promise the ending is a very happy Reylo one. Or, at least as happy as I can make it with a character death.

His grandmother had asked him to cook Rey dinner a few times a week, but Ben did one better. He cooked her dinner every night, always at the house he'd moved into - the one that was far,  _far_  too big for just one person. Even with all his belongings, it echoed just a little too much, and while all the memories it contained filled him with comfortable, heartwarming feelings, they also reminded him of everything he was about to lose.

Ben tried to distract himself from those thoughts by developing a routine - he'd visit Padme every day around mid-morning, stay for a couple hours, then pick up fresh ingredients for dinner at a local farmer's market. He'd go home and unpack more, and usually by four or five in the afternoon, Rey would let herself in, and they'd cook together. More often than not she'd be a mess in the kitchen (some things never changed), but even four days after it happened, his mind kept flashing back to how it felt to be standing behind her, arms around her while he showed her how to properly chop the onion she'd been butchering. She'd leaned back against him, sighing softly, and he couldn't help but wonder if she'd been able to feel his heart pound against her back.

Within a single week, they'd fallen into that routine, and Ben thought,  _maybe_  that routine was the only thing keeping him sane.

Or, maybe it was her smile keeping him from being a walking human disaster. Maybe it was her hugs, or the sweet, carefree way she laughed when he told a terrible joke.

Maybe it was just  _Rey_.

It was just after the middle of October when his grandmother finally leaned in during a visit and smiled coyly. " _You_  seem happier," she commented. "So does Rey."

When he shrugged innocently, she huffed. "Are you saying that's coincidence?" The woman smacked his shoulder lightly, laughing at him, "You can't hide anything from me. Come on, Ben, make an old woman happy." She put a hand to her chest dramatically, "You're breaking my heart. Be honest."

Ben rolled his eyes, but grinned. "Okay, okay." He cast a quick look around and saw Old Ben sleeping. A quick look at the clock between the two beds suggested Rey wouldn't be there for another hour or so, so he sighed and said, "She's been coming over every afternoon. We've just been having dinner together."

"Every night?" Padme asked, seeming both pleased and surprised. When he nodded she smiled, "And it's been nice?"

"It's been great," he breathed, getting a bit lost in the memories he'd gathered just from the previous week or two. He chuckled and said, "Well, actually, she's a  _terrible_ cook, grandma. You should have seen what happened when I put her in charge of the pasta yesterday. Apparently you can tell when pasta is done by tossing it at something to see if it sticks-"

Ben clapped a hand to his face and groaned, then continued, "So, I don't know  _why_  she didn't just bite into a piece, but I left the kitchen for just a minute and came back to find her throwing pieces of pasta at a cabinet. I think I laughed for a solid five minutes, and she was  _not_  happy about that, but she's just so-"

He went quiet when he saw how his grandmother was beaming at him, and his eyes narrowed. "What?" he asked curiously. "What's that look for?"

"You  _like_  her."

Hesitating, he glanced down and played with the fraying edge of the off-white blanket laying across Padme. "I...I  _might_."

A frail hand, its skin nearly translucent, landed on his own hand, and she patted it. "Good. She'll be good for you. Now go get groceries. Make her something good tonight. I'm getting a bit tired, and I need to nap."

It was getting harder and harder to leave each day, but he'd already been there for almost three hours, and she  _did_  seem to be getting quite tired, so he reluctantly stood and leaned down to leave a kiss at the crown of her head.

"Okay, grandma," he said softly, adjusting her blanket. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She nodded, and gave him a smile he regretting going so long without seeing.

"Tomorrow."

* * *

The chicken marsala was coming along shockingly well, and Ben sent up a silent thanks to his old college roommate, Poe, who'd insisted they at least learn how to cook well enough to avoid scurvy and spending all their paychecks ordering out every night. The meal would probably be a relatively decent success. Of course, that was possibly due in part to the fact that he'd put Rey in charge of the salad and  _not_  the main course, but he was smart enough to not speak those words out loud.

Rey had come right from work at the local elementary school rather than stopping off at home to change into something more comfortable, so she was zipping around the kitchen in a bright green cardigan that did incredible things for her eyes, dark jeans and flats, her hair still done up in those three buns. She'd  _almost_  caught him staring, but he'd quickly glanced back to the sauce he had cooking.

"You really don't have to keep cooking dinner, you know," she said quietly, leaning against a counter behind him. "We must be destroying your grocery budget."

The kitchen had been renovated when they were children, all dark hardwood and off-white marble counters with steel dome pendant lighting brightening things up. It was beautiful, and every time he looked around he kept thinking of all the times Rey had dragged him in, insisting they bake something. Their adventures in the kitchen would always end in a messy mix of flour and egg being strewn about the kitchen while one of their grandparents laughed and told them to clean up the mess.

Ben blinked at the memory, smiling slightly, and glanced back at her. "I know I don't have to, but, I like it. I- I like having you here," he admitted.

She was quiet for a moment, and he almost didn't dare to look back, but then her arms wrapped around his waist, jolting him a bit, and Rey rested her head against his back, saying softly, "I like being here."

It was a hug. Just a hug. Friends - especially friends as close as they'd been - hugged all the time. Of course. That's why his heart was pounding. It made perfect sense.

Before he could double or triple think things, he reached down and loosened her arms, then turned his back to the stove, staring down while she stared up and-

And then his lips were on hers.

It was so  _easy_  and so  _right_  at a time when nothing was easy and everything was wrong, and as he cupped her face to deepen the kiss, she moaned softly, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck. Ben would never know why he hadn't just walked up to her and pulled her in for a kiss that first day he'd seen her in the nursing home, but he had every intention of making up for his hesitation now, and Rey seemed to be thinking similarly.

Unfortunately, dinner was still cooking, and Ben was forced to let her go a few minutes later when a timer over the stove went off. He pulled away reluctantly, leaving her with another light kiss as he grinned.

Rey leaned against the counter next to the stove, watching him plate the meal that had finally finished cooking, and she smiled up at him. "I was wondering when you were going to do that," she admitted. "If you didn't, I was about to myself."

Ben laughed. "Isn't that what happened the first time? You got too impatient waiting for me to do it, so you did it instead?"

"It is," she nodded proudly. "Yes, fifteen-year-old Ben seemed  _very_  scared. I just thought I'd help him out a bit."

"I think kissing you will always be scary," he said quietly, meeting her eyes as he gave her a little half-smile. "At least a little."

Rey bit her lip, considering him, and probably his words, curiously. He watched as she swallowed hard and crossed her arms over her chest, glancing down at her feet as she said, "I love coming over for these dinners. It's the  _going home_  part that's tough," she admitted. "Don't get me wrong, I love that house, but it's so empty now, and-"

"Then stay," he interrupted quietly, before he really considered what he was suggesting. At the surprised look she gave him, he quickly added, "I- uh, I mean, there are almost half a dozen guest rooms, you're always welcome to stay."

If he wasn't imagining things, it seemed that her smile fell a little at that, and despite the fact that his heart was thudding against his chest, he whispered, "Or you could stay with me."

Her eyes flashed up to his, and her expression softened. "Yeah," she nodded. "Uh, yeah. I could." Rey took a step closer, and looked up at him with wide doe eyes that he knew he was at risk of getting lost in. "I think I'd like that."

Ben cleared his throat, begging his body to  _not_  blush, though he knew that was probably a lost cause. "I'd like that too."

* * *

One thing Ben had learned early on when he'd started staying with his grandparents was that old houses tended to be drafty, and even in the summer a cold night's breeze coming off the lake could induce shivers whether or not your windows were shut. So, he'd gotten into the habit of wearing long sleeves and flannel pajama pants, and wrapping up under a heavy duvet while practically nesting in flannel sheets. It was unbelievably cozy, and he'd never gotten a better night's sleep than that.

That was, until he woke up to the feelings of flannel sheets against his bare skin, and Rey in his arms. It had been the best night, and the best night's sleep he'd ever had, and as early morning Fall sun streamed in through filmy curtains, light practically bounced around the room, making it feel as open and peaceful as he felt in that moment. Ben stared down at sun-kissed skin and freckles, trying to fully process the night's events, but halfway through, her eyes cracked open and she smiled shyly at him.

Ben lips curled into a smile as he leaned forward a bit to kiss her forehead.

"Well,  _that_  wasn't something we did as teenagers," Rey commented, making him flush as pink as her lips were.

He chuckled, and nuzzled his nose against hers, "Ah. No, it wasn't. I hope…" Ben paused, and chewed nervously at his lip. "I hope you don't think it was a mistake."

"No, of course not," she said softly. She hummed and snuggled a bit further into his arms. "I know the timing is terrible, so...we don't have to label anything, or even have  _that_  conversation any time soon. I know your head is elsewhere."

Ben breathed the words without stopping to worry if they would scare her off. "My head might be elsewhere, but my heart isn't."

" _Oh."_

Her eyes were wide, and Ben was just about to kiss her and worry about whether his thoughts and words were insane some other time, because all he wanted to do was kiss the gorgeous woman in his arms.

His phone rang before he got a chance, and since nobody ever really called him unless it was an emergency, he groaned, then rolled over and picked it off the nightstand, answering it in a tone he  _hoped_  was polite.

All his hopes of a relaxing morning, possibly including breakfast in bed with Rey, were dashed with a few words.

_Took a turn for the worse._

Ben swallowed hard, nodding along as the doctor talked, and Rey seemed to sense that the news likely wasn't good, because she gripped his hand as if she had no intention of letting him go.

Finally, when he was almost entirely sure he couldn't handle any more, the doctor stopped, and Ben said quietly, "Sure, 2 PM is fine. I'll be there. Thanks."

He slowly hung up the phone, and was yanked back to reality as Rey tightened her hold on his hand. She didn't demand answers or ask questions, but she looked at him curiously, and- and he  _needed_ her.

"It's not good," he choked. "She's having trouble breathing and they want to meet with me today to- to-"

Rey climbed into his lap and wrapped him in a hug, gently adjusting him so his head rested on her shoulder as he worked out the rest of the words, "They want to discuss  _options_ , whatever that means."

"I'm so sorry," she sighed, tightening her grip around his shoulders. "I'm so, so sorry, Ben."

He buried his head into her neck and admitted, "I can't do this alone, Rey."

One of her hands slid into his hair as she held him closer, and whispered, "You don't have to. You don't have to do  _any_  of this alone, I promise."

* * *

Doctor Hux's office was bright and sunny, mostly free of clutter and personal items, save for a few pictures of him with a similarly tall blonde woman and a massive smile, and a small orange cat. Ben tapped his fingers nervously on his knee, waiting for the man to say something.

He seemed friendly enough. His red hair blended in well with his facial-hair, and he probably would have seemed more natural-looking in plaid flannel than in a white coat. Before Ben could notice much more, Rey caught his hand in hers, squeezing it as they laced their fingers together.

She'd called in a sub to cover her class for the day just so he wouldn't be alone. Ben wasn't really sure what he'd done to deserve friendship (or, whatever their relationship was) like that, but he wasn't going to question it. Not with everything that was going on.

"I'm sorry we didn't call when everything happened last night, but we were able to stabilize her," Dr. Hux said calmly. "Her breathing became irregular, which is not unexpected, but we didn't want to alarm you as it ended up not being imminently life-threatening. I  _do_  think we need to discuss how to handle these situations moving forward."

"Okay," Ben nodded, his palms already sweating. "What do you recommend for treatment?"

The man looked up from the file in front of him with saddened eyes. "I'm sorry, Mr. Solo-"

"Ben is fine."

Dr. Hux nodded, "Ben, then. I'm sorry, but I think there's been a misunderstanding. These changes in breathing are a normal part of this sort of late-stage terminal cancer. This is going to keep happening," he said softly.

Rey clutched his hand more firmly, and that was when Ben realized he'd started using his other hand to dig nails into his thigh.

"Your grandmother hasn't signed any sort of DNR, and  _if_  that's something she wants to do, I'd like to make sure that conversation is had sooner, rather than later." Dr. Hux sighed, and met Ben's eyes, "I'm sorry, but-"

"There's got to be something you can do," Ben interrupted.

Of course there was another option. There was always  _something_.

"Anything," Ben added, "We'll try anything. Is there any form of treatment? Even an experimental treatment? Even if it's not approved by insurance, we can pay out of pocket, we've got plenty of-"

"Ben," the man said, not unkindly. "I'm so, very sorry." He hesitated, and said gently, "Treatments have been tried, and none of them have worked. Your grandmother doesn't  _want_  to continue any of them, anyway, and that's a decision I fully support, because at this point they wouldn't do much, and her quality of life wouldn't be improved. I  _do_  think we need to speak with her about a DNR."

Dr. Hux closed his eyes for a moment and let out a breath before meeting Ben's eyes again, "I've been your grandmother's doctor for quite a while now, and I don't want to lose her either, but I think we need to consider what  _she_  wants."

At some point, Ben's eyes had filled with tears, but they didn't start falling until he looked over at Rey and saw that tears were already rolling down her cheeks.

"I'll give you two the room," the man said quietly, standing up to walk to the door. His hand landed on Ben's shoulder just before he left, and he added, "Please, let me know if you need anything. Padme has been one of my favorite patients, and if there's anything I can do to make this easier for any of you I hope you'll tell me."

Ben nodded and murmured a thanks. The moment Dr. Hux exited the room, Rey let out a soft sob, and he scooted his chair to be right next to hers so he could collect her in his arms and hold her tightly. They cried into each other's shoulders, and all Ben could think about was how he would never have been able to handle the previous few weeks without her there, holding his hand every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Attack's Tumblr](https://attackofthedarkcurses.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ Attack's Twitter](https://twitter.com/AttackotDC)


	4. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the tags. This fic _does_ deal with some things that are emotionally difficult.
> 
> Reylocalligraphy - thank you again for this prompt. In a lot of ways it hits a bit close to home, and that's one of the reasons I've been slower to update. It's been both tough and cathartic to write. <3

He and Rey stayed in Dr. Hux's office for a few more minutes, wrapped around each other as they both struggled to compose themselves. For some reason it was finally hitting Ben that losing Padme was arguably just as hard on Rey as it was for him. Rey had always lived next door to his grandparents - if anything, she'd spent more time with them than he had. Instinct kicked in and he pulled back just a little, grabbing a tissue from the box on the desk next to them as he lifted her chin and helped wipe her eyes.

"It's okay," she murmured, shaking her head lightly. "I- I'm okay. You shouldn't be the one having to comfort someone right now."

Ben gave her a sad smile, still blinking away a few drops, and said, "You said I didn't have to do any of this alone, Rey...but, neither do you."

She sniffled and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she nodded and let her shoulders sag. "Okay. Okay, we should go see her. Well,  _you_  should go see her. I'll give you two some time - I should check in on Grandpa, and then I can come back and see how you two are doing."

He leaned in and kissed her forehead, a gesture that felt considerably more familiar than it probably should have considering they'd just kissed (among other things) for the first time in their adult lives the night before. "You're right. We can't stay in here all day."

Dr. Hux's office was just a short walk from the room neither of them wanted to walk into, and during the entire millennium it took them to get there, all Ben could do was mourn over a decade's worth of memories that had never been and could never be, filled with moments that could have included his grandmother. How much had he missed?

They were just a couple of yards from the door when Ben happened to look up from the tiled floor, gripping Rey's hand as he came to a screeching halt.

"Wh- what are you doing here?" he stammered to the two older, but still familiar faces.

They'd just been leaving Padme's room, and he  _should_  have known. Of course children would want to visit their dying parent, but he'd been visiting for just over two weeks and they'd never once crossed paths.

His own mother blinked at him, for the first time in-

For the first time in too long. Far, far too long.

"Ben," she breathed, the expression on her face one of awe, "Sweetheart, I had no idea you were in town."

She'd gotten older, but of course she had. Time hadn't stopped passing just because he wasn't there to see it. Nobody had hit  _pause_ the day he'd left.

There were new wrinkles here and there, around her eyes and mouth, and though her hair was still wrapped in her signature crown braid, it had turned gray, rather than the dark brown it had once been.

It struck him in a matter of seconds that someday, he might be visiting  _her_  in a place like this.

A decade was a long time, and he'd waited longer than that. How much had he missed?

Ben stood there, frozen as he stared at his own mother.

When would he forgive her? A month before she died? A year?

Would he even get  _that?_

His body acted of its own accord as he took a stride forward and wrapped around the woman who seemed so much smaller than he remembered, and- and-

Was it worth it? Was that grudge - the collection of angry, resentful feelings that had built up over the years - worth it? Even if it was, would it still have felt that way if she died before he got the chance to hug her again?

Had she ever done anything worse than not love him quite as much as he wanted? Or, maybe more accurately, not quite in the way he wanted?

"I'm still mad," he whispered, tears returning to his eyes. "I- I still-"

His mother hugged him back, shushing him as she held him close. "I know," she said softly, "I know. We can talk about it, if you'd like to." She went quiet for a moment, and added, "I've missed you so much, Ben. I'm just glad you're here."

"Yeah," he choked. "Yeah, I've been here every day."

Still hugging the little woman, realizing with a harsh dose of reality that she seemed so much more fragile than he'd ever remembered, he glanced over at his Uncle - the man who'd only ever tried to help, even if he'd completely failed to do so. His eyes were sad, but his slight smile was one of understanding, and he took a step closer, slowly, as if he was waiting for Ben to yell at him to leave.

To be fair, that wouldn't have been out of character for him, the last time they'd met.

In a split second urge to forgive and forget - even if it  _was_  just to avoid the feeling of lost time he'd been struggling with since he'd first visited his grandmother - Ben reached out an arm, gesturing for Luke to join in the hug.

The man looked at him with watery eyes and gave a humorless, relieved laugh and a sniffle, and perhaps for the first time, Ben realized they may have truly  _missed_  him.

Ben towered over both of them, but felt like a child again as he was hugged by two of the adults he'd always just wanted more love from, melting into the warmth that was radiating off them. He felt like a little boy, crying to two immortal, invincible, untouchable people because someone he loved was dying and...and those immortals had gone and gotten old on him.

The realization was like a heavy lead weight in his stomach.

Leia let go first. She always did, but Ben tried not to focus on that. Luke gave him a pat on the shoulder and took a step back as well, and an awkward silence settled between the three of them as they seemed to struggle to decide who should speak first.

Finally, Rey cleared her throat from behind him, likely a bit confused by the tension, and she said cautiously, offering her hand, "Uh, hi, I think we met a long time ago, when I was young. I lived with my grandparents, next to Padme and Anakin. I'm Rey."

"Of course," Luke spoke up, reaching out to shake her hand politely. "I was just in visiting your grandfather, before one of the volunteers took him to the cafeteria. He's a great man. It's a shame to see him here, but it sounds like he's doing well."

She stiffened next to him, and Ben wrapped a comforting arm around her waist, pulling her into his side as she gave his uncle a bit of a tight smile. Rey hadn't talked much about why Old Ben was in the nursing home, and it didn't seem that his situation was quite as dire as Padme's, but the man was ill and aging all the same. "He is, thank you. He's very comfortable here," she said quietly.

Ben noticed his mother looking between him and the woman in his grasp, and he swallowed hard, deciding to both start mending a bridge and answer the question in her eyes at the same time.

"Mom, would you want to join Rey and I for dinner sometime in the next few weeks? We've been staying at the house. I, uh, actually own it now." He glanced to the man next to her and offered, "You're welcome to join us, Uncle Luke."

The expression on his mother's face was one of disbelief and reverence, and it hurt his heart to think of how surprised she seemed that he'd be willing to spend time with her. Hadn't it always been the other way around? When had that changed?

"And your father?" Leia asked, her voice barely a whisper.

The air left his lungs, remembering how he and Han had fought for the last time, just before he'd left for good. "I-  _Mom-"_  he choked. Rey's arm tightened around him as he worked out the words, "I think I just need a little more time. Just a bit." He looked down, and saw Rey's encouraging expression, and he shut his eyes, taking a deep breath.

 _A little more time_.  _Just a bit._

If anything, the last few weeks had proven that nobody was guaranteed  _more time_ , and maybe he wasn't ready, but he was even less ready to risk never being able to make amends.

His voice was quiet, timid, and maybe even a little scared.

"Actually...invite him, too."

* * *

Ben wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to see when he stepped into the room, but he hadn't thought he'd see a big grin on his grandmother's face. Though, since Rey had left him with a chaste kiss (one his grandmother had definitely seen) before she waved at the woman and left the room to track down Old Ben, he probably should have assumed that would be her reaction.

"Well, aren't you full of surprises?" Her voice was thin and a little wispy, but cheeky all the same. "Dinner with my children, and  _more_  than dinner with that girl?"

Ben blushed a bit, and grumbled, "You have awfully good hearing, don't you?"

"The cancer isn't in my ears, Ben."

He snorted, partially saddened by her comment, and partially impressed that she was in a place to joke like that. He walked over and left a kiss to her hair, taking a seat next to her bed as he smiled slightly, lightly grasping one of her hands. Her skin was almost translucent, and her grip was weak, but she was just as warm as she'd always been.

"I'm signing the DNR," she said matter-of-factly.

Ben had expected that, but the words still twisted a knife into his gut. "Grandma, that means..."

Mirrored brown eyes connected to his, and she nodded. "I know what it means, Ben. But I'm not afraid to die." Her gaze dropped to the ring she still wore as she whispered, "I've been dying a little bit each day since I lost him."

He took in a slow breath, but couldn't find the words to respond. Maybe it was selfish, that he wanted her to stay. But if it meant more time with her, maybe he was okay with being selfish.

"Do you know what  _ya-aburnee_  means?"

It was an unfamiliar term, and he shook his head, confused as he absentmindedly traced veins on the back of her hand.

She nodded, and explained, "I think it's Arabic.  _You bury me_. It's something your grandfather said to me...it's the hope that you die before your loved one, because the pain of losing them and living without them would be too much to bear."

Her voice was raspy as she added, "And I know exactly what he meant."

"I'm sorry you miss him so much," Ben finally whispered, looking up at her through unshed tears. "I can't imagine how hard it was to lose him."

The woman considered him for a moment before a light smile graced her lips. "Let's talk about something happier," she suggested, eyes starting to sparkle. "Tell me about Rey. How did dinner go last night?"

He couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from curling up at the mention of the woman he had no hope of getting off his mind, and at the memory of the night they'd shared.

"Better than I'd expected," he admitted.

"You know, yesterday you said you  _might_  like her," she commented coyly. "I'm starting to think that was an understatement."

Ben chewed the inside of his cheek, trying not to blush and grin like a fool. "It might have been."

His grandmother hummed and nodded knowingly. "I always hoped you'd come back and run into that girl. You were always so close, and  _oh_ , you should have seen how much she missed you every time you went home at the end of the summer."

"We wrote each other letters," he admitted. Shyness rose in his chest at the surprised and pleased expression she gave him, and he continued, "We missed each other so much, and we were both lonely kids. So...we wrote each other letters. I still have them all. I- I wish, that when I'd left home, I hadn't also left you, and her. I just keep thinking of all the years I could have spent with both of you, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder how much I missed."

After a minute of silence, she seemed to come to a decision, and smiled fondly as she lifted her hand and gently removed the ring she'd worn most of her life, and held it out to him without a word.

Ben stared between it and her, speechless. Finally, he blinked and cleared his throat. "Grandma, she's not even technically my girlfriend yet."

"You don't have to ask tonight," she laughed. She turned his hand over and placed the ring in his palm, curling his fingers around it as she sighed contentedly. "Ask her in a week, or a month, or in a year, Ben." Her expression softened, and she looked at him with weary, tired eyes. "You have a whole life ahead of you," she whispered. "Spend it with whoever you can't bear to lose."

* * *

The vintage silver engagement ring sat in the drawer of his nightstand, where it would undoubtedly sit for a while, but the more time he spent with Rey, the more he was willing to admit he couldn't imagine anyone else wearing it. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to pull himself together after a rough visit at the nursing home. His grandmother was spending less and less time awake, and it was impossibly hard to accept what that meant.

It had only been a week since his grandmother had handed the ring to him, and he'd spent almost every minute with Rey. Her laugh, though rare at the moment, was infectious, and her eyes were the sort that bored into his soul, and her touch and affections were addictive. When he was around her he couldn't help but feel at least a little happy, despite everything they were both struggling with.

Were it not for Rey's company, he guessed he would have sunk deeply into depression, but every time he started to, her light was right there, casting away the shadows, protecting him from the darkness that threatened to swallow him whole.

"Hey, Ben?"

His head jerked up, and he caught a glimpse of Rey leaning against the doorway that led into their bedroom.

 _Their_  bedroom.

He huffed quietly to himself as he sat on the edge of their bed. He'd been back three weeks, and while she'd all but moved in with him, the fact that he instinctively thought of it as  _their_  bedroom maybe should have been a little surprising. But, as he saw her stunning smile, and the soft, warm way she looked at him, he came to the realization that it simply  _wasn't_  a surprise.

Maybe Rey had always been a bit of a foregone conclusion for him.

He sucked in a breath at that thought, and finally replied, "Hey, sweetheart. What is it?"

She shuffled over to him, wearing cotton shorts and one of his t-shirts that he hadn't seen since he was a teenager, and after a moment's pause, she climbed right into his lap and wrapped all four of her limbs around him, burying her head in his shoulder.

"Just needed a hug."

Ben sighed, and nodded, responding quietly as he tightened his hold on her, "Yeah, I know the feeling."

After a few minutes she pulled back a little and met his eyes, asking softly, tears welling in her eyes as her bottom lip wobbled a little, "Ben, can- can we just put on a happy movie? Cuddle on the couch and put something on? I hope this doesn't sound really needy or clingy, but-" her head dropped back to his shoulder, and she let out a soft sob against the sweatshirt he wore, "I'm just so...so  _sad_. I really need you," she whispered.

He choked on the emotion that welled in him at her sadness and vulnerability. Rey was always so bright, and so strong - seeing her  _need_  anything was a bit of a shock to the system, and it nearly broke his heart to see her so upset.

"Anything you need, sweetheart," he breathed.

And Ben meant it, because, whether or not he admitted it out loud, he needed her just as much as she needed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Attack's Tumblr](https://attackofthedarkcurses.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ Attack's Twitter](https://twitter.com/AttackotDC)


	5. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough one to finish. Both because I didn't want it to be over (this has genuinely been one of the most challenging fics I've written due to its content), and because I desperately wanted to do this prompt justice.
> 
> I've grown up in rural New England and this prompt hit close to home for a few reasons. I've always felt a deep level of reverence for Fall and the changing leaves. I'm not sure why, exactly, but there's something both desperately sad, and incredibly beautiful about the parallels that can be drawn between death and the changing colors, and that was one of my favorite things about this prompt - tying in a death with a season filled with symbolism of death and its beauty.
> 
> Death can be a terrible, tragic thing. It can be beautiful, too.

The leaves in Naboo were a stunning mix of red, purple, orange and yellow. It would have been easy to attribute the colors to something miraculous, but in reality, due to the changes in temperature and length of daylight brought on by the season, chlorophyll was breaking down in the leaves.

There was more to it, but in short, they were dying.

Dying, but not quite dead. Soon, the leaves would brown, wither, and fall, dying and giving way to the true dark and cold of winter.

It was a cycle.

Every morning, Ben Solo would wake up and stare at a blank white ceiling while the one steadily-bright spot in his life used his shoulder as a pillow. He'd kiss her forehead and slowly detangle himself from her, and get ready for the morning. He'd take coffee to go, making sure to leave the pot on for her when she woke up to get to work.

Staying with her each morning would undoubtedly brighten his days, but visiting hours started at 8 AM, and he'd already lost too much time.

Every day, he got to the room at 8 AM, and as she gave him her precious few hours, he gave her his stories.

She'd laugh, and tease; cough, and sleep. She'd hold his hand while he tried not to cry, and he struggled to remind himself that this was what she wanted - that she was not afraid, and if anything, was curious to finally discover the next adventure that awaited her.

Leia and Luke would show up around noon, and he'd greet them politely on his way out, making mention of the inevitable dinner they hadn't yet shared, leaving to get groceries for whatever he and Rey would cook together that evening.

On the way home, he'd take his time and watch as leaves slowly started to fall from the trees in some of the most beautiful and vibrant colors in the red to yellow spectrum. It was strange. Autumn was arguably the most exquisite season, and yet everything around him was dying.

_Was there always beauty to be found in death?_

_Would it really be some sort of adventure, as she described it?_

Then he'd stop asking questions he didn't know the answers to, and he'd go home and cry with one of the few people who understood him and his struggles. Each day, there were fewer tears.

It was a cycle.

* * *

The cycle came to an abrupt halt one morning on October 29th, when the doorbell rang just as Ben was pouring coffee. He frowned at the change to the routine he'd gotten attached to, like a child would get attached to a blanket they knew kept them safe.

All the same, he walked to the door and opened it to find his mother, wrapped in a dark gray jacket, smiling sadly at him. That same smile was the best he could muster in response, and he stepped back and held the door open for her wordlessly. They hadn't really talked much since meeting again, but given everything they were both dealing with, kindness seemed like the only feasible response, and so he gave it.

"Is Rey around?"

His mother had followed him into the kitchen and was leaning against the counter as he poured her coffee, and he nodded. "I think she's in the shower. She usually leaves a little bit after me, and I was just heading out."

Ben turned and handed her the mug, noticing the curious expression on her face. "Are you two-"

"She's my girlfriend," he answered quietly, feeling a small surge of pride and joy at the title, "It's new, though. Well...sort of."

"Your grandmother mentioned you two were always close as children," Leia commented. "I know it wasn't the happiest thing that's brought you back here, but it's nice that you've been able to reconnect with Rey."

Ben nodded, quietly sipping at the black coffee he'd poured himself, wincing as it burned his throat. His eyes flicked to movement he noticed from the corner of his eye - leaves falling and being blown around, visible through the large picture window that looked out onto the lake.

"Do you want to drink this out on the porch?"

He looked back to his mother, noticing her smile, and she hummed approvingly.

* * *

They sat on a white bench-swing that hung on the back porch, and they were both silent.

Ben stared as wind whistled and whirled, spinning loose dead leaves, picking them up and moving them in colorful little tornado-like patterns. It was mesmerizing, and he emptied his mug before he realized they'd been sitting there, not talking, for nearly twenty minutes.

"Have you ever heard of the book  _In the Garden of Thoughts_? By someone named..." Leia paused as if thinking of the name, and finally nodded once and said, "Dodinsky? I think that was his name."

He looked over and shrugged slightly.

She didn't seem surprised as she pursed her lips and looked up at the massive maple tree that sat near the house. "He said  _I hope I can be the autumn leaf, who looked up at the sky and lived. And when it was time to leave, gracefully it knew life was a gift._ "

Instinctively, he knew what this conversation was about, but his breath still caught, and he gripped the mug in his hands tightly.

"You have no idea how grateful I am," she whispered. "I'm not sure you'll ever know what you've done for her. I didn't know how to do it myself, and I'll always be grateful that you've brought her so much joy at the end of her life. She's not afraid, and I can't help but think that's partly because she knows we'll all be okay when she's gone."

Tears pricked at his eyes, and he let go of the mug with one shaky hand, and grasped his mother's hand tightly, not having the words to respond.

"Even if you never end up forgiving me, or your father, or your uncle...I'll always be grateful for this." She took in a deep breath, and admitted, "I know we should have made you a priority, and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not doing that. But I can't change the past and I can't get back the hours I spent working when I could have spent them with you. All I can do is hope you'll spare me a few more hours in the future."

His hug probably came as more of a surprise to him than it did to her. They hugged while he murmured, "As many hours as you want, mom," and she cried, and just when Ben thought he couldn't possibly shed more tears, he did.

"You really mean that?"

"Yeah," he nodded, holding her small frame tighter, "Maybe we can't get time back, but we can try to make up for it."

For the first time Ben could remember, his mother wasn't the one who pulled out of the hug first.

* * *

Ben got the call just a few days later, on Halloween. He was still in bed at the time, and due to the time of year, sunlight was just barely starting to stream in through the windows. Rey was in his arms, and he felt an undefinable lightness, even as he heard the words from Dr. Hux that he'd been dreading.

It had been peaceful, in her sleep.

As peaceful as a leaf falling from a tree, gently drifting through calm breezes, until it finally landed on the ground gracefully.

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard as Rey watched him with wide eyes, and he said softly, "Thank you for letting me know, Dr. Hux. Yes, we'll be in soon. Thank you for making sure she was comfortable."

Rey started crying before he hung up the phone, and somehow, that was harder than the news he'd just heard.

"D- did she-"

He nodded, and tightened both arms around her as she buried her head in his chest.

"Oh  _Ben_ ," she breathed, pulling back to look up at him, "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head gently, and whispered, "Don't be."

While staring into Rey's eyes something clicked, with a final poignant realization of the meaning behind words he'd never quite figured out.

"You know, she said something to me." He paused, and reached up to cup Rey's face. She leaned into his touch as he said softly, "She told me about this idea.  _You bury me._  The hope that you'll die before another person, because it'd be too difficult to live without them."

Rey met his eyes, waiting for him to continue, and he said, "This whole month I didn't actually understand why she wasn't afraid to die. She kept telling me that, if it meant she might have a chance to see him - my grandfather - again, then that's what she wanted. She said that the entire time they were together, she'd always hoped to die first because she'd never wanted to imagine a life without him."

He gazing down into the beautiful hazel eyes that were starting to well with tears - whether from the death, or from his words, Ben wasn't sure.

"I didn't know what she meant before." He took a deep breath and admitted, "I think I understand it now, though."

Her mouth hung open in an  _oh_  shape, apparently stunned by his words, and he took the opportunity to meld his lips to hers in a kiss that was somehow both sweet and healing, sliding his arms down from her face to around her hips, holding her tightly. Whether or not it was an appropriate time to kiss her, he wasn't sure, but he kissed her slowly and sweetly until he felt wetness trailing down both their faces. Maybe from relief. Maybe from heartache.

Ben pulled back just far enough to murmur words he now,  _finally_  understood, against soft lips.

"You bury me, Rey."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My genuine, heartfelt thanks to [Reylocalligraphy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylocalligraphy/pseuds/reylocalligraphy) for this prompt. I'm so glad I was able to fill it for you.
> 
> [ Attack's Tumblr](https://attackofthedarkcurses.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [ Attack's Twitter](https://twitter.com/AttackotDC)


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